The praise to criticism ratio is five praises for every one criticism. Praise is considered the positive, or what is currently working, as opposed to criticism being the negative, or what needs to be worked on or effectively changed. According to relationship guru Dr. John Gottman, the magic ratio for a marriage is five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Here, we explore the same ratio for workplace relationships and the relationship we have with ourselves.
In the article “The Ideal Praise to Criticism Ratio” by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, Harvard Business Review found that focusing on the negative is necessary, especially when working with the least effective or lowest-performing teams. Highlighting the negative was like a slap in the head to see what needed to be changed. In addition, highlighting the negative worked exceptionally well when serious problems needed to be addressed. Zenger and Folkman stress the word “serious” to highlight that when a team is underperforming, there is more room for growth. However, for the teams that were performing well, praise encouraged them to continue to do well in their relative area of expertise. In effect, teams performing well have less of an area for growth. Thus, motivating what is working continues growth in that direction.
Kim Cameron’s book Positive Leadership discusses the inherent goodness within each individual and focuses on strengths and capabilities while viewing obstacles and impediments with optimism and opportunity. The shift is slight from identifying what is wrong to highlighting the positive and bringing awareness to what is currently working.
The praise to criticism ratio can be applied to our daily mind chatter. Our inherent negativity bias drives us toward critical thoughts of ourselves and others. However, switching the mind chatter to what is working well bolsters the good already present in your life. Negative thoughts and events will continue to happen, but by acknowledging the good and creating positive experiences, we can view the negative events and thoughts for what they are: mind formations. This way, thoughts aren’t simply washed away in a sea of negativity. By recognizing the negative self-chatter, you can focus your attention on what is working. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, said, “The most important conversation is the conversation you have with yourself each day.”
Using the ratio for what we “take in” is also effective. The news is inherently negative, and television is purposely sensationalized to attract viewers. By only watching or reading the news and negative TV, our ratio can get off-balance. Television is fiction but still influences our creative juices. And remember, the news is news because it doesn’t always happen. Think of the number of times YOU have been in the news. It is usually not often. Do negative things happen? Of course, but there is much more positivity out there to enjoy and focus on.
When dealing with relationships with others and the relationship with yourself, acknowledge the criticism; it avoids complacency and group thinking. However, make sure to really pump up the positive and acknowledge what is currently working. By following the 5:1 ratio, we remind ourselves that there is always good to focus on. We are all growing beings learning to be better versions of ourselves. Boosting the positive provides us with the resiliency to tackle what needs to be addressed. See the good within yourself and acknowledge the good within others.
