As a parent, have you ever wondered why teenagers think the way they think, feel the way they feel and do the things they do? You’re not alone! Surprisingly, what appears to be risky or bizarre behavior to adults makes perfect sense to teenagers. But what about the behavior that frightens parents?
In a recent survey conducted by Pew Research following the pandemic, four in 10 U.S. parents with children younger than 18 say they are extremely or very worried that their children might struggle with anxiety or depression at some point. Mental health concerns top the list of parental worries, followed by 35% who are similarly concerned about their children being bullied. These issues trump parents’ concerns about other certain physical threats to their children, the dangers of drugs and alcohol, teen pregnancy, and getting in trouble with the police.
The CDC reports a 60% increase over the past decade in high school girls seriously considering or planning suicide or experiencing high levels of sadness. Over the past decade, mental health for teenagers has become even more bleak. Overall, 42% of high school students reported persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness. 22% seriously considered attempting suicide. The number was even higher among LGBTQ+ students, with 45% seriously considering attempting suicide. According to Dr. Marc Siegel, a medical contributor for Fox News, “Social media has a lot to do with the mental health issues facing today’s youth.” According to The Wall Street Journal, 40% of teens said their sole purpose for posting on social media is to look good to other people, while 32% of teenage girls felt that Instagram only worsened their body insecurities. From obesity to anorexia, from video games to social media, from identity and gender confusion to social isolation, mental health disorders to alcohol and drug abuse, to sexual promiscuity and violence, teenagers are hurting and confused now more than ever spiritually, mentally, morally, emotionally and socially.
Whether it’s normal, although strange, teenage behavior or unhealthy, destructive, inappropriate actions and choices teens make, I believe the answer to all those “Why?” questions can be summed up in one word – needs. Like all of us, teenagers have real, significant, identifiable, emotional and relational needs. I am convinced these basic emotional needs are the driving forces that motivate teenagers to do the things they do.
Unfortunately, for many parents who are busy and pulled in a million different directions, it’s hard to know whether their teenager’s needs are being met or not. Let me encourage you to start by asking this question, “What are the needs behind my child’s deeds?” “What are they trying to tell me through their negative attitudes and behaviors?”
Wouldn’t it be great if our kids came equipped with gauges, much like the gauges on the dashboard of a car, that would indicate when something was wrong? Imagine a light that blinks on and off through your teen’s eyes that says, “Affection level is low,” “Security level is low,” “Encouragement level is low.”
Unfortunately, when the emotional needs of teenagers get out of whack, their gauges usually flash warnings through inappropriate, often destructive behavior. Let’s look at each of these needs as a gauge that will help you know what is needed in your teenager’s life. These gauges are expressed from the teenager’s point of view. Take time to evaluate how the needs listed below relate to you and your teenager.
Noticed Gauge – “I need to receive focused attention because I am respected as a person, valued for who I am, and appreciated for what I do.”
Encouragement Gauge – “I need to be encouraged as I reach for my dreams and supported when I feel like giving up.”
Empathy Gauge – “I need to receive comfort when I experience pain, sorrow or despair.”
Direction Gauge – “I need to feel a sense of significance and purpose in my life.”
Security Gauge – “I need to feel physical security as well as acceptance, regardless of my flaws and mistakes, and loved no matter what.”
Do all you can to open the lines of communication to discover the needs beneath the deeds. Show your teenager the list of emotional gauges and have them tell you what “need” or “gauge” they feel most deeply or is most important to them. Have them explain why that particular need is important. The more honest and open communication you have with your teen, the greater insight you will have to understand why they think, feel and act the way they do. Make it your goal to provide the safest, most loving, secure environment you can to ensure your teen feels completely loved, accepted and supported no matter what. When this happens, you will unlock the key to helping your teen reach their full potential.
Rodney Gage is a family mentor, author, speaker and the founding pastor of ReThink Life Church, which meets at Lake Nona High School. His passion is to help families win at home and in life. To learn more about his marriage and parenting mentoring, check out thewinningfamily.com and rethinklife.com.
