There is an old saying, “Opposites attract.” However, have you noticed over time, opposites attack? What we used to find fascinating is now frustrating. Many dating and marriage relationships often start as the ideal until the imperfections and differences are exposed, and then what began as the “ideal” becomes an ordeal. Before long, you’re looking for a new deal.
According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50% of first-time marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for second-time marriages is even higher, with about 60-67% ending in divorce.
According to the Institute for Family Studies, lack of commitment, arguing too much, and incompatibility were among the top reasons for divorce.
Of course, extreme situations such as infidelity, abuse, addictions, etc., cause marriages to break down.
However, I have worked with couples and families for over 25 years. If I could summarize why so many people struggle with what I call “relationslips,” it is not because of incompatibility or irreconcilable differences. It is primarily due to immaturity and self-centeredness. I know that is tough to hear. However, you will always get an imperfect relationship when you put two imperfect people together.
We can either allow our differences to pull us together or pull us apart. We get to choose! If we commit to growing closer together, it will require maturity and a willingness to be others-centered. Sadly, we don’t see maturity in our culture today, especially regarding marriage relationships. So, what does it look like to have maturity in a marriage?
The 5 Marks of Maturity In Marriage
When I refer to maturity, I am not referring to age, experience, knowledge or accomplishments. You can have all of those things and still be immature.
I’m talking about attitude and character toward each other in a marriage relationship. How do you measure maturity?
5 Marks of Maturity In Marriage.
1. Keep a Positive Perspective During Difficulties
We are all like a tube of toothpaste. Whatever is inside of us comes out when squeezed. How do you react to problems and troubles between you and your spouse? What is your natural attitude when things don’t go right? Do you get irritated and upset? Do you get negative, gripe and complain? Do you see the glass half-full or half-empty when you face situations and circumstances that put your marriage relationship to the test?
2. Treat Each Other With Kindness and Sensitivity
Hurt people hurt people. A mature person doesn’t focus on their hurts and hang-ups. A mature person tends to be others-focused instead of self-focused. Imagine what our relationships would look like if we treated each other with kindness and sensitivity.
3. Control Your Tongue
We tend to get into all kinds of trouble regarding relationships, especially with our spouse, when we blurt out comments without thinking about what we’re saying. Some people say, “I just tell it like it is.” However, frankness is not always a sign of maturity. As my mom used to say, “Just zip it. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it!”
4. Initiate Peace Instead of Conflict
Are you a peacemaker or troublemaker? Do you like to stir things up? Do you get defensive quickly?
Two Sources of Conflict:
Selfishness
When I want something, and I don’t get it, I’m going to have conflict in my life and with other people. If I want freedom, control, happiness, attention, love, respect, etc., and I am not getting it from my spouse or anyone else, I will be miserable.
Judging
“Don’t judge me” is a popular phrase used these days. Whenever we attempt to judge someone or find fault, we ask for conflict, which breeds insecurity in our relationships.
Imagine removing selfishness and judgment from our marriages, family relationships, work relationships, schools, culture, and the world; what a difference it would make in our lives.
5. Remain Patient and Prayerful
There is no such thing as an overnight crop! When a farmer plants a seed into the ground, he waits and hopes; after months of waiting and hoping, he finally reaps a harvest. Rather than waiting for our spouse to change, what if we changed? What if we practiced maturity and chose to be happy regardless of our circumstances or what our spouse does or doesn’t do? What if we chose to “be” the attitude we want to be around? Who knows, the marks of maturity we display might inspire the change we wish to see in our marriages, families, workplace, and world.
What if everyone in the world decided to grow up and act mature? Now that’s a novel idea!
Rodney Gage is a family mentor, author, speaker, and the founding pastor of ReThink Life Church, which meets at Lake Nona High School. His passion is to help families win at home and in life. To learn more about his marriage and parenting mentoring, or how you can receive a FREE copy of his new book, check out thewinningfamily.com and rethinklife.com.
