In a world of rapid change, confusing messages, conflict, and uncertainty, today’s kids feel tremendous pressure which can lead to feelings of self-doubt. We can all agree kids need all the positive reinforcement they can get. After 30 years of working with youth and their families, I am still convinced that the most powerful influence on a child’s life is not their peers or the culture surrounding them but their parents. Due to work demands, busy schedules, financial stress and other family responsibilities, it’s easy to drift or become disconnected from what’s happening in our kids’ hearts. Below are five questions kids often wonder about a mom and dad.
Do You See Me?
Do You Support Me?
Do You Even Care?
Do You Think I Have What It Takes?
Do You Love Me?
Underneath each of these questions are NEEDS in their lives that, if overlooked or neglected by busy or disengaged parents, can lead to unhealthy or even destructive paths kids will explore simply because, in their minds and hearts, the answers to the above questions are filled in with the answer “no.” Let me unpack each question with what our kids need most from you as a parent.
The Noticed Question: Do you see me? One of the most important gifts you can give your kids is your eyes. Giving our undivided attention to our kids communicates value, respect and appreciation for who they are. Rather than just pointing out things they do wrong or areas that fall short of expectations, parents need to go the extra mile to highlight positive qualities and characteristics about their unique gifts, abilities and potential through compliments, recognition and individual quality time.
The Encouragement Question: Do you believe in me? One of my favorite quotes is from Willam Arthur Ward: “Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you.” Encouragement is oxygen to our soul. With so much negativity and hardship we encounter in life, we all need encouragement, especially our kids. The five most important words a parent can say to their child is, “You did a great job!” Kids need to know you believe in them and believe they have what it takes to succeed no matter what.
The Empathy Question: Do you even care? In our “cancel,” “unfriend,” and “unfollow” world of social media, the vicious behavior of bullying, intimidation and rejection from “peer groups” or so-called “friends” can cause our kids to carry hurt, fear, anger or loneliness in their hearts. In those moments, kids need to know someone cares and is willing to enter their world and feel what they’re feeling. Are your kids carrying hurt, fear and rejection in their hearts that you may not be aware of? If so, try using this phrase to enter their world, “I have noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately. … Is there anything you wish you could change or be different right now?”
The Direction Question: Do you support me? Helping our kids discover their passion, strengths and areas of gifting often comes through trial and error. Giving our kids exposure to opportunities to help them flourish gives them a sense of purpose and significance. Kids want to add value and contribute to society to improve the world. Often, kids want to know if you are willing to support them as a parent, even if it’s not what you would prefer or be interested in. After high school, my son Luke chose to go down a different path than his friends who attended traditional universities and what “we had envisioned” for his life. Instead, he moved to Nashville to pursue his dream of becoming a music artist. As parents, we could have quickly squashed his dreams by giving him 10 reasons why the phrase “starving artists” is an accurate saying in Nashville. However, we stood with him and supported his plan even though it was risky. Today, he impacts people’s lives through his full-time music career as a professional singer and songwriter in Nashville, Tennessee.
The Security Question: Do you love me? As parents, answering questions 1-4 with our words and actions reinforces our unconditional love and acceptance for our kids they desperately need.
Rodney Gage is a family mentor, author, speaker and the founding pastor of ReThink Life Church, which meets at Lake Nona High School. His passion is to help families win at home and in life. To learn more about his family mentoring, or how you can get a copy of this new book called Why Your Kids Do What They Do, check out thewinningfamily.com and rethinklife.com.
