Have you ever wondered why teens think, feel and act the way they do? If you have a teenager living in your home, chances are you have asked those “why” questions that can leave you as a parent dazed and confused. Even though the teen years can be an exciting and fun season, it can also be confusing and uncomfortable for teenagers and parents alike.
The most challenging part of being a teenager is understanding your feelings and who you are. The teen years are a pivotal period that will determine how they view themselves and the world and interact with those around them as they grow into adulthood. Teens’ internal and external pressures lead them to ask three critical questions.
1. Who Am I?
This is an identity question that ultimately leads to how they view themselves. Has someone ever told you, “Just be yourself?” We all have! While being “yourself” implies a singular self, the average teenager is constantly shuffling through multiple identities, trying to figure out which of “themselves” to be at that moment. Who they are at home can differ from who they are at school, their ball team, friends, church, or after-school job. Being “yourself” can be tricky because young people are rarely the sole source of their identities. The identity of every teenager you know is partly formed by the collective influence of family, friends and other adult authority figures in their lives. In addition, social media plays a significant role in shaping their identity and how they view themselves and the world. According to the HootSuite Trends Report, Gen Z (Zoomers) spends 24-48 hours monthly on TikTok. Their time spent on social media is at an all-time high of 41%. A teen’s identity can be a collection of many experiences, not just one thing. All of these experiences shape who they are and the view they have of themselves.
2. Where Do I Fit?
This is a belonging question. It relates to our connection with others. It’s how teenagers feel like they “fit in” with groups of people, especially their peers. Teenagers associate their sense of belonging with those who know, understand and accept them for who they are. Far too many teenagers struggling with so many pressures and challenges often feel disconnected and feel like they don’t belong because of their personality, neighborhood, income, race, ethnicity, immigration status, disability and a host of other reasons. Even though teens can have friends and followers on social media, it’s also a reminder of who isn’t following them or where they don’t belong.
3. What Difference Can I Make?
This is the purpose question. Teenagers want to know that they have a purpose and can make a real contribution to the world. Like a compass pointing north, purpose gives us all a sense of direction in life. Sadly, according to Emily Esfahani Smith’s book, The Power of Meaning, only four out of 10 Americans have discovered a satisfying life purpose. Today’s teens need and want direction in their lives and want to make a tangible difference. Gen Z has witnessed in real-time from their smartphones natural disasters, war, famine, racial and social injustice, political division, inflation, crime and scandals of every kind unfold before their very eyes. Perhaps more than any generation in history, Gen Z is motivated and attracted to causes that will improve the world. Today’s teens want to make a difference in their lives.
3 Responses Parents Can Give
1. Love Them
With all the external voices and pressures influencing and shaping your teen’s identity, make sure your voice is the loudest through your relationship and influence that they are ENOUGH. Be intentional with your teenager by verbalizing and demonstrating your unconditional love and acceptance by reminding them they are valuable, lovable, acceptable, forgivable and capable. When your teen looks at themselves in the mirror and asks who they are, may those five truths become the declarations that will ultimately become their core beliefs that shape their true identity.
2. Guide Them
When teens struggle with insecurity and question their true identity, they tend to gravitate to anyone who will give them attention and show them acceptance. Teens will throw their values and virtues out the window and compromise their standards because the need to fit in with others is so strong; therefore, when we help our kids discover their “why,” it gives them a sense of direction that will motivate them to align themselves with others who share the same core values and a sense of purpose they have.
3. Empower Them
Over dinner, ask your teenager these questions. What do you love to do? When do you feel most alive? What are you doing when you feel most connected with others? Besides the talents and strengths you see in your teenager, ask them what skills and strengths others see in them. Why are these questions important? When teens become secure in who they are, develop confidence with a sense of purpose, and know where and how they fit into this world, they are poised to make an even more significant difference in their lives. Equipping and empowering our teens with their own internal G.P.S. (Goals. Passions. Strengths.) will help them impact this world for the greater good.
Rodney Gage is a family coach, author, speaker and the founding pastor of ReThink Life Church, which meets at Lake Nona High School. His passion is to help families win at home and in life. To learn more about how you can get a copy of his new book called Why Your Kids Do What They Do, go to www.thewinningfamily.com or ReThinkLife.com.
