Last month, my wife, Michelle, and I celebrated 33 years of marriage. We have three adult children, two sons-in-law, and two precious grandsons. At this stage in our lives, we love to encourage and mentor young couples. Unfortunately, many of the couples we’ve spent time with have confessed to not having good examples or role models of what a strong, healthy marriage looks like. This lack of examples also affects singles, who often delay marriage due to fears of divorce, financial instability, or prioritizing other aspects of life. Regardless of one’s background or current circumstances, most singles and couples fear not being able to fulfill the expectations and challenges of a marriage relationship. The question my wife and I receive most often is, “After three decades of marriage, what advice would we give to a couple thinking about marriage or already married?” While we can’t share everything we’ve learned, we can narrow it down to three key areas.

1. Build on a Foundation of Unconditional Love

Far too many couples enter marriage with conditional expectations, believing their spouse is the primary source of their happiness. They fail to realize that the four most common “killjoys” in life are pain, people, pressures and problems. When these realities enter the marriage, the question is, how will a couple choose to respond? Fight or flight? This is why a strong, healthy marriage must be built on unconditional love rather than the fleeting feelings of superficial love. Unconditional love is selfless and sacrificial, transcending and persisting regardless of circumstances. It is an unconditional commitment to love and an imperfect person through hardships and trials.

Even though most couples verbally commit to loving each other “for better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health,” they often fail to apply these commitments when tough times come. This is why I remind young couples that the wedding ceremony is an event, not a marriage. It’s not about finding the right mate; it’s about being the right mate. A strong marriage is a process and an unconditional, selfless commitment to an imperfect person. Happiness is not an emotion you feel; it is a choice you make.

2. Keep Anger Low and Honor High

Nothing destroys the foundation of a marriage quicker than anger. The four main causes of anger in a marriage are:

– Unexpected differences

– Unfulfilled expectations

– Unmet needs

– Unforgiving mistakes

Anytime someone feels insecure in the relationship, they tend to blame their partner for their unhappiness. In fact, we start looking for and stacking up evidence to justify our beliefs. Our minds will always justify what our hearts believe. Therefore, if we believe that our spouse is the primary source of our happiness, the moment they fail to live up to that belief, hurt, anger and resentment take over the marriage. What is the antidote? Honor. We often fail to honor our wedding vows.

Honor is a lost virtue in our society. Our culture honors dishonor and dishonors honor. Honor is countercultural and counterintuitive. To most people’s surprise, honor is not earned; it is freely given. Honor is defined as value, respect or to hold in high esteem; to treat as precious, weighty or valuable. Dishonor means to treat something or someone as common or ordinary.

One of the greatest temptations and traps that most couples fall into is taking each other for granted and treating each other as “common or ordinary.” Familiarity is the enemy of honor. The more we are around someone, the easier it is to take them for granted. Here is what we’ve learned about honor and why it’s so important to a marriage. The level of honor we give is determined by the amount of value we perceive. If a couple doesn’t place a high level of importance or value on each other, they’re not going to show or give much honor. When you truly treasure someone and value your marriage, you will commit to doing these four things:

– Invest in your marriage

– Prioritize your marriage

– Praise your spouse

– Protect your marriage

When you consistently demonstrate honor toward your spouse and marriage, it will be a game-changer. Honor will not only allow you to show unconditional love toward your spouse, but it will also help you keep anger low and honor high in your marriage.

3. Practice Togetherness in Everything You Do

Jobs, kids and other responsibilities can cause a marriage to fall into a rut. It can feel like you’re two ships passing in the night. If we don’t prioritize our togetherness, we can slowly drift apart. We have learned the value of diverting daily, withdrawing weekly, and abandoning annually. We must work to keep the “honey” in the honeymoon of marriage. In other words, do the things you did before you got married. The key is to reach a place in your heart where you say, “I’d rather be with you than with anyone else.” Practice togetherness in everything you do.

By building on a foundation of unconditional love, keeping anger low and honor high, and practicing togetherness, you can strengthen your marriage and enjoy a fulfilling relationship.