The old Easter egg hunt rolled around again this year. I thought with children in their teens, we’d be past this. Past the hour of sweat, mosquitoes and dirt that accompanies hiding Easter eggs. Pile this chore on top of church, a huge lunch and socializing, and I stumble around like a middle-aged father out with his 4-year-old on their first Halloween.
So I decided that if our kids are going to demand Easter egg hunts for the rest of their natural lives, then I’m going to have a little fun. Let’s pack them with dirt, ha. How about biting ants? No? How about stuffing the eggs with fortunes? Yes.
So here’s a list of fortunes some lucky teenagers got to open this Easter (well, I thought of a bunch more after the hunt):
- You will become famous. You might think this is a good thing.
- A very wise person will give you crucial advice. It will be the worst advice they’ve ever given.
- Your body odor will increase by 20%.
- After some poor choices, an attractive individual will ask for your digits. They aren’t asking for your phone number.
- You will not be attacked by a rattlesnake.
- You will not lose all of your friends.
- Someone you love will betray you. You will not seek sweet, sweet revenge, though you should.
- You will not lose all your limbs.
- That nightmare you’ve been having ever since you were little? You might want to … oh, never mind.
- You will try something new and immediately regret it.
- You shouldn’t go near any lakes, ponds or creeks. Oh, and definitely don’t go to Gatorland.
- You will learn to speak lizard and immediately regret it.
- You should try to keep your mouth closed while you sleep, for a number of reasons.
- While I wouldn’t say the birds are out to get you, they’re definitely interested.
- Don’t look behind you. I said don’t, ouch. Well, now you can’t hear me anyways.
- And you thought you were having a bad day.
- Your life is about to become an adventure. How much do you know about adventures?
- You are about to meet the love of your life. They’re also about to meet the love of theirs.
- Some people say time is relative. Relative like that nagging, cheek-pinching aunt of yours that you will be spending the rest of your life with. Maybe it won’t feel that long, you know, with the relativeness of it all.
- If you feel like your life is about to take a turn for the better, you couldn’t be more wrong.
- Tomorrow, you will make a key decision that will set the course for the rest of your life. And since we’re already talking nautical, “Thar she blows!” is fitting.
- You are young and so naïve. Some say life gets better. Most of them are dead.
- If a stranger says you have nice hair, it’s not a compliment. Beware the hair munchers.
- I see toe fungus in your future. Sorry about that.
- You thought your acne was bad now. This year, your acne will stage an all-out war on your face, concentrating their efforts on growing a nose on your nose. They would place a flag on it, but they’ve made that mistake before.
- Your life will be like a box of chocolates. Nice little round chocolate-covered deer scat.
- You don’t need to worry about the rats this year. You’ve got bigger problems.
- A little love can go a long way. But not as far as a little revenge.
- George Lucas will do another three-part prequel to Star Wars this year. Your aunt will make you watch.
- Facebook, Instagram and Google will all join forces to take over your life. Oh, wait, they’ve already done it. Now it’s AOL’s turn.
- You’ll get really excited about the new meta “metaverse.” You will find love, meaning and purpose there.
- You will in time learn to love your younger sibling, even though what they will do to you is unthinkable.
- You will find the most amazing booger in your nose. This will not be when you’re giving your speech in assembly; its timing is worse.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. My teens are asking me if I want to binge out on Parks and Recreation, so I’ve got to go.