Have you ever played with one of those Velcro dartboards?

You throw the soft ball covered with Velcro toward the target, and the moment it hits, it sticks. Hundreds of tiny hooks grab the surface and hold it in place.

In many ways, that same experience can happen with our kids. They get stuck in life.

One disappointing grade becomes, “I’m not smart.” One awkward social experience at school turns into, “Nobody likes me.” One failure can become, “Why bother trying again?”

Fear has a way of hooking into uncertainty. Frustration can attach itself to procrastination. Before long, a child who was once confident can feel trapped in a pattern they do not know how to escape.

As parents, it’s easy to see our children’s potential, even when they can’t. Therefore, our instinct is often to push harder. We give another pep talk, remind them of how talented they are, or challenge them to stop making excuses.

But here is something to consider:

The harder we push a child who feels stuck, the more tightly they may cling to what is holding them back.

They may not need more motivation or pressure. What they may need is our help and a simple plan to discover how to move forward.

Here are three suggestions to consider when helping your kids get unstuck.

1. Pause the Push

Before attempting to correct their behavior, get curious about the barrier that may be holding them back.

Instead of saying, “You just need to try harder,” ask:

“What feels hardest about getting started?”

“Is there a part of this project or opportunity that feels confusing?”

“Are you afraid something might go wrong?”

This does not mean lowering expectations or allowing excuses. It may mean taking the time to truly understand what is preventing your child from meeting the expectation or rising to the occasion.

A 2023 meta-analysis involving more than 200,000 students found that children show stronger motivation, engagement and well-being when parents and teachers encourage appropriate choice, ownership and responsibility.

Kids are often more likely to move when they feel guided rather than controlled.

2. Shorten the Step

When our kids feel stuck, it’s easy to make the goal sound bigger than it already feels in their minds.

“You have to finish this entire project.”

“You need to bring that grade up.”

But making the finish line or destination feel larger can cause an overwhelmed child to feel even more defeated.

Instead, try identifying one realistic, manageable next step.

Rather than saying, “Finish the entire project,” try, “Let’s work on the first section for 15 minutes.”

Instead of saying, “Make new friends,” ask, “Who is one person you could speak to today?”

Researchers use the term self-efficacy to describe a person’s belief that they can complete a task. One of the best ways to build that belief is through successful experiences.

Our children do not develop confidence simply because we say, “You can do it.” Confidence grows when they take a manageable step and realize, “I just did it.”

Small wins create evidence. Evidence builds confidence. Confidence creates momentum.

Don’t devalue or dismiss the destination. Shorten the distance to the next step toward achieving it. This will help them start stacking wins.

3. Schedule the Start

Everyone can have good intentions, but good intentions are rarely enough.

“I’ll study later.”

“I’ll practice tomorrow.”

Vague plans make delaying even easier. Help your child decide exactly when and how they will begin.

Researchers call this an implementation intention – a specific plan that connects a situation with an action:

“When I get home, I will study for 15 minutes before gaming.”

“After dinner, I will practice for 10 minutes.”

Research shows that specific plans improve follow-through because they remove the need to wait for motivation in the moment.

Our kids do not have to feel ready before beginning. It’s almost impossible to feel your way into action. Sometimes, the simple act of getting started is the best way to become ready.

So, the next time your child feels stuck, remember:

Pause the Push.
Shorten the Step.
Schedule the Start.

Just like that Velcro ball, the fears and beliefs that may be holding your child back might not release all at once. But loosening one small hook at a time can eventually lead to the freedom of getting unstuck.

The goal is not simply to help your child overcome one assignment or setback. It is to give them a process they can use for the rest of their lives.

When children learn how to get unstuck, they discover that setbacks do not have to define them, fear does not have to control them, and they are capable of taking the next courageous step forward.

Rodney Gage is a family mentor, author of The Winning Family: 5 Essential Shifts Every Parent Needs to Win at Home, and founding pastor of ReThink Life Church in Lake Nona. For more parenting resources, visit thewinningfamily.com or rethinklife.com.