According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average length of marriage that ends in divorce is just eight years. In my experience working with married couples over the past 25 years, I have found that there are four stages in a marriage relationship. Unfortunately, most couples never get past stage two. What are the four stages of marriage? 

Stage 1: Thrill

Every couple experiences the initial thrill of finding the “love of their life.” You just can’t get enough of each other. The fun, spontaneity, creativity, intentionality consumes your every thought and motivation of being together. It’s the honeymoon and romance side of the relationship. However, the key to longevity is learning to keep the “honey” in the honeymoon.  

Stage 2: Tension

This is the part of the relationship where things get real. The little annoyances we used to laugh at, overlook or even think were cute suddenly become an issue. I call them the 4 “un’s” of marriage.

• Unexpected Differences: Different backgrounds, perspectives, personalities, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses, goals, dreams, etc. These unexpected differences now take center stage in the relationship. 

• Unfulfilled Expectations:  I thought he would be more _____. I thought she would be more _____.  I thought getting married would make me happy! 

• Unmet Needs: Our emotional tank we need filled with love, affection, attention, respect, encouragement, support, security is now running on empty.

• Unforgiving Mistakes: At this point, couples are quick to point the finger at all their faults and imperfections and cast blame, judgment, ridicule and criticism toward each other. They start building a case in their minds for how they feel and why they are potentially no longer compatible with each other. Anger, resentment and insecurity have them drifting further apart from where they used to be.  

This is the “tipping point” in the marriage relationship.  

What a couple does or how they choose to respond in the tension stage of the marriage will determine if they break up, break down (remain stuck and believe things will never get better) or break through. Sadly, most couples never get to stage three because they bail before the breakthrough.  

The key to breaking through is found in stage three of the marriage.  

Stage 3: Trust

As couples, we have a choice. We can get mad or we can get mature. Love is a decision we make, not an emotion we feel. There must be mutual trust that believes that – rather than wasting time and energy trying to change our spouse – we are going to commit to making some changes in our own lives. During this stage, we are growing to see and appreciate our unique differences and seeking to build trust through displaying mature attitudes and actions toward each other.  

Here is what T.R.U.S.T. looks like:

T-Tenderness: Rather than being judgmental, we’re learning to be gentle toward each other. You are careful, patient and tender toward each other’s feelings and needs. You’re actually on the same team supporting each other. 

R-Respect & Responsibility: You show honor and respect toward your spouse. Rather than taking each other for granted or treating each other as common or ordinary, we take responsibility for our own attitudes and actions and treat and speak to each other with honor, dignity and respect. 

U-Understanding: Opposites attract, but opposites can also attack. Learning to understand and accept each other’s unique differences (personalities, strengths, weaknesses, gifting, backgrounds, passions, etc.) will lead to greater appreciation for each other and leads to…

S-Security: When there is security in a marriage relationship, it feels like the safest place in the world. Emotional security creates an atmosphere where a husband and wife are completely free to open up and be known at the deepest and most intimate level without the fear of being blamed, criticized, judged or condemned.

T-Truthful: You open up and get honest about your own faults and shortcomings. You speak the truth in a spirit of love and gentleness without condemnation or blame. Instead, you share your heart about your thoughts, feelings and desires on how to grow in your love and devotion toward each other.  

Stage 4: Thrive

When a couple learns to grow and mature in unconditional, sacrificial love toward each other, they learn the secret to a thriving marriage. Their marriage reflects many of the attributes and characteristics they felt and experienced during the ”thrill” stage of the relationship. When a couple wins at home, everybody wins around them. Their children feel that same unconditional love and emotional security that a strong, healthy marriage gives them. Children see, hear and experience what a thriving marriage and family could be and should be to serve as a lasting legacy for future generations.  

Rodney Gage is a family coach, author, speaker and the founding pastor of ReThink Life Church, which meets at Lake Nona High School. His passion is to help families win at home and in life. To learn more about his family coaching or how you can get a copy of his new book called Why Your Kids Do What They Do, go to www.thewinningfamily.com or ReThinkLife.com.