I just found out that my nephew is his class’ valedictorian. And while l’m already getting bumper stickers made that say, “Proud Uncle of a Valedictorian,” I also heard that he’s dreading giving his speech. This fear is not peculiar to valedictorians, but I’d hazard that most of us don’t like giving speeches, particularly in front of our peers, and especially if said peers think of us as a smarty-pants. 

Since my nephew is named after a famous Floridian inlet, that’s a solid enough tie-in to write about it here. Without Florida, my nephew would be nameless. So here’s my letter of encouragement:

“Dear Famous Floridian Inlet,

I hear you’re the valedictorian of your class. Congrats! I can’t spell the longer version of congrats. I wasn’t a valedictorian. But now that I’m the uncle of one, I see some potential opportunities you have to seize the moment, come speechtime. These are not hard and fast rules, and I dare not write your speech for you, but I believe that if you infuse your speech with my intent, you will become the valedictorian of valedictorian speeches.

I think I’d open with something like this: 

‘Hello, my name is Famous Floridian Inlet, and I am this year’s class valedictorian in case any of you forgot or are too stupid to notice. The very fact that I’m standing here talking and you are sitting there listening doesn’t necessarily mean I’m better than you. The fact that I got better grades doesn’t necessarily mean I’m smarter than you. But it’s a pretty safe bet that I am both better and smarter than most of you, and if you think you’re better or smarter, you should have proved it in class. This leads me right into point number one: In life, you will usually lose. In any given situation, there are usually only a few winners and lots of losers. My advice is that as you lose, you shouldn’t take it personally but rather give credit to the winner as is being done today, namely, by keeping your mouths shut and listening to me…’

Then, Famous Floridian Inlet, I think it would behoove you to grace them with some tidbits of wisdom for the future. Something like this: ‘So, Class of 2022, we’ve made it, we’ve graduated.  Few of you will make it in life, as in being ridiculously successful like – ahem – a valedictorian, some of you will sort of make it and live boring lives of mediocrity, and some will just eek by.

I think it’s unfair to say anything ridiculously stupid like, ‘We should go out there and change the world.’ Let’s be honest, the competition for my post as your chief was pretty slim, and the lesser losers who challenged me may indeed make the world better. But that’s not my plan.  

My plan to life success works even if you lose a lot. Redefine what success is for you. Even as I look out now, I see some of you find what’s in your nose more interesting than what I’m saying.  Success for you may be a really big booger. So I say for you, life’s a booger so go and pull out a big one. On the difficult days when you dig and dig and just can’t find what you’re looking for, remember not to give up, but think of me and how hard I worked at being the best of you, and don’t give up until you pull out what you’re looking for.

Some of you now are shouting at me and yelling unkind things. To you I say, success is within your reach as well. While your diction could be improved and your insults more insulting if you’d studied like I did, I think that you too have a place in the future. I say, rather than insulting your betters, you honor them and follow them blindly. This, for you, is success. 

I suspect that as I am better academically, I am also better at strategery and manipulation. If you will unconditionally entrust your lives into my hands, I will allow you to accompany me in my successes. I don’t plan on anything all that big like taking over the world or going to the moon, but I do plan on besting everyone I come in contact with. 

For now, I desire to be the best Scrabble player in the world. If you join me, you can stand with me as I hold oversized checks, ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’ as I arrange my letters, and celebrate my victories by wagging your fingers on your noses at my victims (my trademark celebration). Honestly, I can’t decide yet between Scrabble or Pokemon, but either way, I will allow you losers to glean from my winnings. I’ve written up a contract for you if one of you lessers would come up here and pass it around. I suggest you sign it, for I’ve read somewhere that “Without a leader, the people perish.” Now, I would hate for you to perish.’

Now, Famous Floridian Inlet, when you come to the word ‘perish’ I suggest you grin evilly, hold out your hand, and squeeze. 

If this speech doesn’t go to plan, know that I too am working on a contract for you to sign. Life can be tough; that’s why contracts are important. 

Sincerely,

Your favorite and best uncle.”