Our nation celebrated National Face Your Fears Day last week. Well, we were supposed to. I would have if I had wanted to. But I didn’t because this is the most ridiculous national day ever. It reminds me of a friend who once told me that he loves doing things he doesn’t want to do because it grows his discipline. I pointed out that if he loves doing those things, he actually wants to do them. He’s no longer my friend. 

But ”National Face Your Fears Day.” Are you kidding me? How many people die on this day? I feel like this day should come with some guidelines: “If your fear is heights, we do not suggest jumping off of anything above one story. Below one story is fine as long as you have arranged for something soft to land in – a pile of leaves, some old mattresses, your husband resting on his favorite hammock, etc. If your fear is public speaking, while it’s good to picture your audience in their underwear, we suggest you don’t follow up by describing in great detail what you are picturing.”

In Florida, we have a host of fears to face as soon as we step out our front door. Alligator greet you yet? It’s only a matter of time. And while you may not be afraid of alligators per se, on National Face Your Fears Day, it would be perfectly logical to strap some raw chicken on your head and go for a swim in a retention pond. This day is solid proof that civil disobedience of the government is sometimes applicable. 

And speaking of our government, apparently their greatest fear is getting along, so shouldn’t they take their own day to heart and spend the day making up and hugging (appropriately – you’d think you wouldn’t have to say this, but it’s our government). Then, they could link hands and pass sensible legislation. Then, they could not go play but, I don’t know, write one of their own speeches. That would be nice.

I guess as a writer, one of my fears is writing poorly. This fear, while reasonable, I face today, in the spirit of our National Face Your Fears Day, which was last week, but I procrastinated because I’m afraid of turning things in on time. But I face this because, by doing this, I make myself vulnerable, face my fear. And writing bad is good for me because like, like, it’s good for me. Flibberty gibbets are not hat-sickles. 

That being the case, there are a lot of fears out there. Apparently we’re hardwired to face fear, or run, or fight, or freeze. My go-to is to sort of run-freeze-play-dead. Let’s say I’m going for a walk, and I see the illusive, possibly imaginary, Florida black panther. Knowing fully well that I can’t outrun a giant feline, I’m pretty sure my instincts will take over, and I will sprint like the dickens. Charles Dickens, to be precise. Of course he’ll catch me and begin batting me around like we all secretly wish someone would do to Mickey Mouse. When that happens, I’m not going to try to play dead or anything quite so thoughtful as all that. My guess is I’ll be pulling whiskers, yanking, pinching, tickling, and pretty much doing what I did to all my siblings when we were kids. Fear is not a reasonable emotion.  

So maybe between this year and the next, we can write to the president and ask for this day to be replaced. I’m thinking, No Fear Day. We could even sell all kinds of merch with “No Fear” all over it. Of course this would be totally illegal, but didn’t I mention the government would be involved? We’d make it a day where you have no fear because you’ve carefully arranged it so that you don’t have to go out into any public places with all those people; you can sit and watch comedy specials, eat as much fatty foods and sugar as you want, and let your children fend for themselves for once. If you’re a parent, there’s nothing you fear more than trying to coach your teenage son through the cupboard for his afternoon snack while you’re watching or reading something hilarious. Wait, no, reading? Forget about it – that’s scary. Put this away and have a No Fear Day™.

My wife just suggested that instead of wrapping up this little article like I just did, I should wrap it up with illustrating how having No Fear Days would further corrode my arteries and continue to enlarge my belly, thus forcing me to face my fear of eating well and exercising. She has a devious mind. And she totally overestimates my self-discipline. So I guess our new No Fear Days would kill me just like National Face Your Fear Day. Sometimes you just can’t win, so don’t get married.