State transportation officials were left red-faced when an internal audit revealed that one of their construction projects was completed on time. A routine annual audit revealed that a small construction project was actually completed a few days ahead of schedule.

Officials were further troubled by the fact that the project was also completed below budget. In an interview, Transportation Department spokesperson Dee Lay said, “We are aware of the auditor’s findings and are conducting our own internal investigation to determine exactly what went wrong. Our preliminary findings show that the project was managed by a new employee, not well versed in the ways of state projects.” Ms. Lay declined to identify the employee by name, but employees who spoke off the record stated that the employee most recently worked in the private sector before joining the state office.

When pressed on the issue, Ms. Lay stated, “There’s an enormous learning curve for those who join us from corporate America. There, projects that are completed on time and under budget are encouraged and even celebrated. I can assure you that this employee is receiving remedial training to ensure it doesn’t happen again. There’s just no place for this kind of competence in our organization.”

The Scallion Police Blotter

May 1

Civil Disturbance 11:36 a.m. – A Lake Nona man called police when an angry mob descended on his home. For the second consecutive year, he posted a fake news story on his neighborhood’s Facebook page that some of his neighbors believed. His current whereabouts are unknown, but he is rumored to be seeking the assistance of federal witness protection.

May 6

Theft 3:46 p.m. – Police are investigating the brazen theft of plumbing fixtures from a local police precinct. Robbers posing as plumbing contractors said they were hired to replace the toilets but instead removed approximately 35 fixtures and just left the scene. A spokesman from the police department issued a statement saying the case is still open but admit they have nothing to go on.

May 20

Missing Person 9:29 p.m. – Orlando Police officers responded to a missing persons call at a Lake Nona residence. A woman said her husband had been missing for several hours. Police later located the man, who was reported to have been hanging out with the Nona Brew Crew. No charges were filed. Officers said he faced far worse punishment when he returned home