Breaking Dysfunctional Patterns in Parenting

“When I grow up and become a parent, I will never…”

How often have you found yourself saying that, only to realize you’re parenting exactly the way you vowed never to? It’s a common experience for parents as we often replicate the patterns we were exposed to as children. Unfortunately, there are no formal schools for parenting. Most parents confess that they didn’t have ideal role models growing up. As a result, we default to what we know, unconsciously repeating the behaviors and patterns we experienced in our upbringing.

So, how do we break the cycle? How can we stop ourselves from parenting the way we said we wouldn’t?

Identifying Dysfunctional Patterns

The first step to change is awareness. Many parents struggle with behaviors they know aren’t ideal but feel stuck in these patterns. Here are some common signs that you’re caught in a dysfunctional parenting cycle:

– Do you wonder why you find yourself yelling at your kids?

– Are you uncomfortable with encouraging your teenager?

– Do you relate to your pre-teen or teenager through teasing, even though they’ve asked you to stop?

– Do you feel compelled to give your teenager advice during every discussion?

– Do you find it difficult to comfort your child when they are hurting?

– Do you lecture your teenager repeatedly on the same topic (also called nagging)?

These behaviors often mirror the way our own parents handled situations despite our best efforts to do things differently.

Why Do We Fall Into These Patterns?

In my book Why Your Kids Do What They Do, I share how parenting behaviors are often deeply rooted in our own childhood experiences. Our responses to our children are shaped by the relationships and environments we grew up in. If we were raised by parents who were critical or distant, we might struggle with giving praise or showing affection. On the other hand, if our parents were overbearing or controlling, we might find ourselves repeating those same behaviors when our children test boundaries.

Unhealthy patterns often stem from unresolved emotional wounds. These can manifest in a variety of ways – whether it’s through yelling, withdrawing or overcompensating by trying to be the “perfect parent.” The key is to recognize that these patterns don’t have to define your parenting.

Breaking the Cycle

To break free from dysfunctional parenting patterns, you must first take an honest look in the mirror. Acknowledge the areas where you’re falling short, without judgment, and commit to change. Here are some practical steps:

1. Recognize Your Triggers: Pay attention to the moments when you feel yourself slipping into those unhealthy patterns. Is it during moments of stress or frustration? Becoming aware of your triggers is the first step toward changing how you respond.

2. Reflect on Your Own Childhood: Ask yourself how you were parented and what impact that had on you. Understanding your own emotional landscape can help you pinpoint why certain situations with your children might be especially challenging for you.

3. Learn New Skills: It’s not enough to simply decide to stop a behavior. You must replace it with something healthier. If you tend to yell, work on developing better communication skills. If you find it hard to praise your child, practice words of affirmation daily. 

4. Apologize and Repair: Stop bleeding on people who didn’t cut you! When you fall into old patterns, don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes to your child. Apologizing models humility and opens the door for repair in your relationship. This will also help you establish a more open and understanding relationship with your child.

5. Seek Support: Sometimes breaking generational patterns requires outside help. Whether it’s coaching, counseling or support from parenting groups, don’t be afraid to seek guidance. Surround yourself with positive influences who can help you stay accountable.

Transforming Dysfunction Into Strength

Breaking dysfunctional parenting patterns is not an overnight process. It requires intentionality, patience and a willingness to grow. But the reward is well worth the effort. By transforming the way you parent, you not only break the cycle for yourself, but you also provide your children with a healthier, more nurturing environment. 

Whether we realize it or not, children are a reflection of their parents’ emotional and relational health. When we work on ourselves, we give our children the best gift – a model of what it looks like to live with emotional resilience and relational wisdom.

So, the next time you catch yourself parenting the way you said you’d NEVER parent, take a deep breath. Remember, breaking old patterns is hard work, but it’s possible. With commitment, awareness and grace for yourself, you can chart a new course and become the parent your child needs you to be.

Rodney Gage is a family coach, podcaster, author, speaker, and the founding pastor of ReThink Life Church, which meets at Lake Nona High School. His passion is to help families win at home and in life. To learn more about how you can get a copy of his new book called Why Your Kids Do What They Do, go to www.thewinningfamily.com or ReThinkLife.com.