Why Unity, Not Competition, Is the Real Key to Raising Strong Kids

A few years ago, my in-laws came to visit us in Orlando. Wanting to show them something beyond the theme parks, we took everyone canoeing at Wekiwa Springs – crystal-clear water, tall cypress trees, and wildlife around every bend. Our kids jumped in one canoe, my in-laws in another, and my wife, Michelle, and I got into one together.

Within minutes, the other canoes were gliding peacefully downstream. Ours, on the other hand, barely moved. Not because we weren’t trying – we were paddling furiously. But instead of moving forward, we were spinning in circles. The problem? We were both paddling on the same side.

We thought we were working together, but in reality, we were working against each other. The harder we paddled, the more frustrated we became. Only when we stopped, talked, and got in sync – each of us rowing in tandem on opposite sides – did we finally move forward.

That day taught me a lesson: In families, effort alone doesn’t move you forward, alignment does. And when parents aren’t aligned, the whole family ends up going in circles.

So how do you break the cycle? Here are three counterintuitive, but powerful actions every parent can take to move their family forward.

1. Back Each Other Up in Public, Work It Out in Private

It seems natural to speak up if you disagree with your partner’s decision in the moment. But here’s the twist: the fastest way to lose authority with your kids is to contradict each other in front of them.

When one parent says yes and the other says no, children learn to play the game of divide and conquer. And they’re smart – they’ll keep playing until someone caves. What feels like “protecting” your child in the moment can actually harm them in the long run because it teaches them that authority is unstable.

Healthy parents know when to press pause. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do have to present a united front. Step away, work it out privately, and then return with one answer. Your child doesn’t need to see who wins; they need to see that you’re together.

2. Stop Trying to Be the Favorite Parent

Here’s the paradox: Many parents undermine each other because they secretly want to be “the favorite.” Maybe it’s being the fun parent while the other plays disciplinarian. Maybe it’s a divorced parent loosening the rules to gain affection. Maybe it’s a stepparent trying to outshine a biological parent.

The problem is, when you compete for your child’s loyalty, they lose twice. First, they lose the security of consistent expectations. Second, they lose respect for both parents when they realize they can manipulate the system.

Children don’t need favorites, they need fairness. They need to know that no matter where they are, the adults in their lives are pulling in the same direction. Ironically, the more you stop fighting to be the hero, the more heroic you’ll actually seem in their eyes.

3. Lean Into Your Differences Instead of Fighting Them

This one may surprise you: The very things that make you and your spouse different are often the very things your child needs most. One of you may be structured, the other more spontaneous. One may be tougher with discipline, the other more empathetic. Instead of competing, complement each other.

Even if you’re divorced, respecting the other parent’s strengths in front of your child affirms both halves of their identity. In blended families, honoring a stepparent’s role helps kids feel supported instead of torn. And for single parents, leaning into your own strengths while inviting trusted mentors or relatives to help with the gaps models resilience and teamwork.

Your child doesn’t need you to be the same. They need you to bring your best and value the other parent (or other adults) for bringing theirs.

Moving Forward

Back on the river that day, Michelle and I finally caught up to the rest of the family. Not because we paddled harder, but because we paddled together. Parenting works the same way.

No matter your situation – married, divorced, blended or parenting solo – the principle is the same. Children don’t need parents who are fighting to be the favorite. They need parents who are committed to rowing in the same direction. They don’t need parents competing for control. They need parents complementing one another’s strengths.

In the end, the real win in parenting isn’t proving you’re right – it’s proving you’re united. The best gift you can give your child isn’t perfection, it’s partnership.

Rodney Gage is a family mentor, author of The Winning Family: 5 Essential Shifts Every Parent Needs to Win at Home, and founding pastor of ReThink Life Church in Lake Nona, Florida. For more parenting resources, visit http://thewinningfamily.com or http://rethinklife.com.