I wish that whoever came up with robocalls had also invented time travel. Then, when we catch him, and we will, we can take him to one of the most mind-numbing moments of his life and put him on loop forever ...  We could even record this, a truly terrible idea, and turn it into the second worst movie in history. We’d name it Robocall, The Movie after the timeless … [Read more...]

Believe it or not, I’ve never read anything about “Florida Man.” But I hear the scuttle about him. He takes up a lot of the news cycle about Florida, and I’m thinking, He’s not the only dude in Florida, why does he get to hog all the limelight? So I’ve come up with a list of stories that the press should cover about real – pinch us, we’re real – Florida men.  Florida Man … [Read more...]

Given the chance, any ant will cheerfully skitter up the pants of any Floridian. It has been written. So it was probably only a matter of time before they scurried their way into my column.   On walks around our fair city, I’ve become somewhat inoculated to Floridian ants’ sophisticated feats of engineering. I tend to forget that beneath what looks like puffy mud-balls … [Read more...]

People think I’m eventually going to run out of quirky things to write about life in Florida. I’m not even close. Not while I can think of things like oranges.  Oh, the humanity! The maledictions oranges secret behind their smug, face-puckering peels sends shudders down my rind. As kids, how many times did our mothers tell us to quit whining and just eat our orange … [Read more...]

Mowing grass. I really don’t get the point. Well, I get a lot of little green ones, ha. But I really hate cutting them.  My hunch is that lawn servitude evolved over time. A cavewoman thought, Oh, clearings are so lovely. What if I gathered a swath of these delectable little plants and rooted them in front of my cave?  She tell husband, “Grunt, grunt, yowl.”  Husband … [Read more...]