I think Florida Man gets a bad rap. Mostly from weirdos. If a “Florida man eats racoon raw” or a “Florida man marries alligator,” isn’t he simply a creep? What about the rest of us normal Florida men? I’ve explored this idea before, but I feel that there’s more ant-riddled ground to cover. So, here are some headlines that real news should be relaying:
Florida Man greets the first day of fall by throwing open the front door and drowning in a wave of heat. A few hours later, wife finds Florida Man curled up beside said door sobbing and sputtering, “I just wanted to check and see if the leaves had changed.”
Florida man dons gloves, goggles, and boots, ready to tackle the lawn. Upon opening the garage door, Florida Man faces immaculate lawns as far as his eyes can squint. Looking at his own thigh-high weeds, Florida Man goes back in the garage for a chainsaw with a curious grin on his face.
Florida Man wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to the fridge for a snack. In the fridge’s light, he sees a small, dog-sized roach scurry behind a cabinet. Florida Man loses his appetite.
Florida Man visits relatives in cooler climates. Florida Man relates handsomely about Florida winters. When asked about other times of the year, Florida Man curses vehemently and alienates relatives.
Florida Man decides to take children trick-or-treating. Dressed as an oversized teddy bear, Florida Man rubs paws together as flying-squirrel daughter and Kylo-Ren son join him for a night of glucose gluttony. Florida man loses 20 pounds of water weight whilst stuffing his face with Butterfingers. Halloween becomes Florida Man’s new diet.
Florida Man pulls muscle in throat while sneezing at seasonal allergies. True story. I’m still recovering.
Florida Man watches a nature documentary on Florida’s wetlands. Florida Man locks all doors and windows and changes his computer’s passwords. Florida Man is caught moving a piano-barricade in front of the door by wife.
While on hike, Florida Man takes frond to the eye for the last time. He vows to hike backwards for the rest of his life. Wife and children complain about having to take turns holding his harness.
Florida Man mentions to friends that he’s an undecided voter in the upcoming presidential election. Florida Man now vows off friendship forever.
Florida Man whines and complains about being sent to Aldi with a list an arm’s length long. Stepping out of the minivan onto sole melting tarmac, Florida Man stumbles to Aldi’s sliding doors and is embraced by a full-body hug of air-conditioned bliss. Florida Man rejoices in life’s small blessings. Florida Man has forgotten a quarter for a grocery cart. Florida Man mourns life’s small curses.
Florida Man swallows three gnats, two mosquitoes, and a fly while riding his bike – a new record. He pats himself on the back only to cough up the fly and ruin record.
Florida Man decides to become a writer so that he can vent about being a man in Florida. Plus, venting reminds him of air conditioning and makes Florida Man happy.
For me, these are the real headlines and are way less creepy. I hope you stay safe, and keep being real Florida men and Florida women. Just don’t go breaking my record.
