The old Easter egg hunt rolled around again this year. I thought with children in their teens, we’d be past this. Past the hour of sweat, mosquitoes and dirt that accompanies hiding Easter eggs. Pile this chore on top of church, a huge lunch and socializing, and I stumble around like a middle-aged father out with his 4-year-old on their first Halloween. 

So I decided that if our kids are going to demand Easter egg hunts for the rest of their natural lives, then I’m going to have a little fun. Let’s pack them with dirt, ha. How about biting ants? No? How about stuffing the eggs with fortunes? Yes.

So here’s a list of fortunes some lucky teenagers got to open this Easter (well, I thought of a bunch more after the hunt):

1. You will become famous. You might think this is a good thing.
2. A very wise person will give you crucial advice. It will be the worst advice they’ve ever given.
3. Your body odor will increase by 20%.
4. After some poor choices, an attractive individual will ask for your digits. They aren’t asking for your phone number.
5. You will not be attacked by a rattlesnake. 
6. You will not lose all of your friends.
7. Someone you love will betray you. You will not seek sweet, sweet revenge, though you should.
8. You will not lose all your limbs.
9. That nightmare you’ve been having ever since you were little? You might want to … oh, never mind.
10. You will try something new and immediately regret it.
11. You shouldn’t go near any lakes, ponds or creeks. Oh, and definitely don’t go to Gatorland.
12. You will learn to speak lizard and immediately regret it.
13. You should try to keep your mouth closed while you sleep, for a number of reasons.
14. While I wouldn’t say the birds are out to get you, they’re definitely interested.
15. Don’t look behind you. I said don’t, ouch. Well, now you can’t hear me anyways.
16. And you thought you were having a bad day.
17. Your life is about to become an adventure. How much do you know about adventures?
18. You are about to meet the love of your life. They’re also about to meet the love of theirs. 
19. Some people say time is relative. Relative like that nagging, cheek-pinching aunt of yours that you will be spending the rest of your life with. Maybe it won’t feel that long, you know, with the relativeness of it all.
20. If you feel like your life is about to take a turn for the better, you couldn’t be more wrong.
21. Tomorrow, you will make a key decision that will set the course for the rest of your life. And since we’re already talking nautical, “Thar she blows!” is fitting.
22. You are young and so naïve. Some say life gets better. Most of them are dead.
23. If a stranger says you have nice hair, it’s not a compliment. Beware the hair munchers.
24. I see toe fungus in your future. Sorry about that. 
25. You thought your acne was bad now. This year, your acne will stage an all-out war on your face, concentrating their efforts on growing a nose on your nose. They would place a flag on it, but they’ve made that mistake before.
26. Your life will be like a box of chocolates. Nice little round chocolate-covered deer scat. 
27. You don’t need to worry about the rats this year. You’ve got bigger problems.
28. A little love can go a long way. But not as far as a little revenge.
29. George Lucas will do another three-part prequel to Star Wars this year. Your aunt will make you watch.
30. Facebook, Instagram and Google will all join forces to take over your life. Oh, wait, they’ve already done it. Now it’s AOL’s turn.
31. You’ll get really excited about the new meta “metaverse.” You will find love, meaning and purpose there.
32. You will in time learn to love your younger sibling, even though what they will do to you is unthinkable.
33. You will find the most amazing booger in your nose. This will not be when you’re giving your speech in assembly; its timing is worse.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. My teens are asking me if I want to binge out on Parks and Recreation, so I’ve got to go.