How Would You Rate Your Marriage Relationship?
On a scale of 1-10 (1=bad 10=great), how would you rate your current marriage relationship?
Years ago, my wife and I had the opportunity to build a home in North Texas where we were living at the time. I’ll never forget walking on the concrete slab with our builder. I noticed several hairline cracks and one fairly large crack that ran from the living room area all the way to our back porch. When I brought those cracks to the attention of our builder, he said, “Oh, don’t worry about those. They are common here in Texas. They are called stress cracks. They’re caused by the shifting and settling of the soil.”
As I have traveled as a speaker and served as a pastor for more than 25 years, I have noticed that there are four common “stress cracks” that can create major problems in the foundation of a marriage relationship.
Unexpected Differences
Unfulfilled Expectations
Unmet Needs
Unforgiven Mistakes
In the early stages of a relationship these four areas are usually overlooked or minimized, but over a period of time, if left unchecked, they can cause major issues within the marriage. Let me explain how the sequence below plays out in most marriages.
Romance – Reality – Rut – Regret – Resignation
It’s easy to overlook any differences when a couple is in the romance stage of the relationship because the focus is on the companionship and friendship. As the relationship evolves and after the marriage and honeymoon are over, reality settles in. Suddenly, the demands of busy work schedules, financial pressures and expectations after children come into the picture can cause marriages to get stuck in a long and unhealthy rut.
At this point the couple is just trying to survive the demands during this season of the marriage. If left unchecked, regret can settle in due to the unexpected differences, unfulfilled expectations, unmet needs and unforgiven mistakes and can reach a point of resignation. As the old saying goes, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”
If you or someone you know can relate to this sequences of events, and to the four common stress cracks identified above, let me encourage you to take some steps to restore and recapture what many couples feel is impossible to do.
The number one emotion couples experience when facing any of these stress points is anger, which is caused by fear, frustration and hurt feelings. These emotions can create the feelings of insecurity in any marriage. The goal is to keep anger low and honor high so that both individuals in the marriage feel secure. Here is some practical advice:
Schedule a Date Night ASAP!
I know that sounds overly simple, especially if there are some deep-seated issues. I am always amazed at how many couples admit they can’t even remember the last time they went on a legit one-on-one date.
The goal for this date is to focus on your togetherness. Start by asking the question that I started this article with: “On a scale of 1-10 (1=bad 10=great), how you would rate our current relationship?” Qualify up front that there can be no accusations, judgments or criticism allowed. The goal is for complete honesty and transparency.
If one spouse scores the marriage at a “4,” then the follow up question is, “What can I do and how can I help raise it to a 7 over the next 30 days?” Once an honest evaluation is given, make a commitment to work on your togetherness over the next 30 days. Take a journal and write down the “strengths” and “qualities” you admire and appreciate about your spouse. Work on magnifying and affirming those qualities and strengths you see in your spouse with the things you say and do.
You will be amazed by what happens when honor becomes high and anger becomes low. Remember, yesterday ended last night, and today’s pages are completely blank. It’s never too late to start doing what is right for each other.
Rodney Gage is an author, speaker and the founding pastor of ReThink Life Church. His passion is to help people live life on purpose. To learn more, check out rethinklife.com.
