Police Respond To Suspicious Person

Police responded to a “suspicious person” at a local coffee shop Thursday. Witnesses claim that a middle-aged man entered the coffee shop empty handed at approximately 8:30 a.m., ordered a regular coffee and then sat at a table and drank it.

Fellow patrons were suspicious when they noticed the man didn’t have a laptop, smart phone, tablet, or even a newspaper with him. They were shocked when the man attempted to start a conversation with people at adjacent tables. “It was the darndest thing I’d ever seen,” said Mack Eotto. “I was sitting here, minding my own business writing my Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 screenplay, and this guy sits at the next table and tries to talk to me. I didn’t come here to talk to anyone who isn’t thoroughly impressed that I’m a writer… Sheesh!”

“He just sat there drinking his regular coffee. He didn’t even have a smart phone with him. I’ve never been so scared,” said witness Ms. S. Presso.

As if this weren’t alarming enough, store employees became increasingly concerned when he ordered a “regular coffee.” “They warn us about this in our initial training classes, but you never think it’ll happen to you,” said barista Kathy O’Lay. “Everyone else orders drinks like venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one quarter non-fat, extra hot, split quad shots (1 1/2 shots decaf, 2 1/2 shots regular), no foam latte, with whip, 2 packets of Splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and 3 short sprinkles of cinnamon. I had to double-check with my manager to see if I was even allowed to serve a regular coffee.”

We reached out to the coffee shop’s corporate office for their comments. In a written statement, their Director of Security, Kathy Nated, said, “As rare as these incidents are, our employees are fully trained to handle them in a calm and professional manner.”

Onlookers weren’t so convinced. “I’m not sure I want to live in a world where people come to a coffee house just to drink regular coffee,” said coffee aficionado Dee Calf.

“Despite the alarm it caused, we don’t believe any laws were broken,” Orlando Police spokesperson Anne Cuffs said, “We are reviewing the security footage now just to be sure, but so far it seems to be an isolated incident. There’s no cause for panic, but we urge citizens to remain vigilant just in case.”

Disclaimer: The Scallion is a vain attempt at humor and is complete fiction, satire, or rubbish if you prefer. Any resemblance to any person or coffee patron either living or dead is completely coincidental.

If you’ve made it this far down this wretched piece of ‘literature’ and you’re fuming because you LOVE your local coffee shop and can’t believe someone would make fun of such a wonderful institution and you’re warming up some flame-mail (in all caps), please switch to decaf… it’s just a joke!