Researchers in Medical City are making groundbreaking advancements toward reversing a decade-long increase in the number of diagnosed cases of the disease Narcissista Absurdum. To learn more about the disease and the progress being made, we spoke with Medical City spokesperson, Ima Write. Write said, “This has been a long and arduous journey that required cooperation among multiple medical disciplines.”
At first, the problem was thought to be behavioral, but the psychiatric community was quick to absolve themselves. Speaking at a 2010 worldwide symposium, American Psychiatric Society Chief, Dr. Cy Kotic, said, “We’ve never seen anything spread this quickly in the psychiatric community. Seriously, when we saw Instagram pictures of grandma in full duckface, we knew the problem was way beyond our scope. That’s when we knew we needed to refer the issue to our partners in the medical research field.”
“We were quite alarmed how virulent this strain of narcissism was,” Write said. “We even consulted with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the World Health Organization just to ensure it wasn’t an unknown virus. Their tests proved inconclusive, but they were relatively confident it wasn’t an airborne pathogen.”
Research then shifted toward the field of human genetics. Dr. Gene Gnome led a team of geneticists trying to determine if we were seeing the beginning of a genetic mutation that could doom humanity. Dr. Gnome said, “When we began our work, we were genuinely concerned that a Narcissista Absurdum mutation could irreparably harm our entire species, rendering future generations unable to look up from their mobile devices even long enough to procreate. Fortunately, we saw no evidence of a genetic mutation, so we turned to our colleagues in the biomedical field.”
In 2013, Orlando’s Medical City became the epicenter of Narcissista Absurdum research. Dr. Ben X. Perimentin said, “We knew time was of the essence, so we worked around the clock. In late 2014, we began Beta testing an early version of the vaccine that was showing real promise until we saw our test subjects’ Facebook pages festooned with countless selfies and even a few keg stands. So, we redoubled our efforts and soon had an improved vaccine.”
Clinical trials of the efficacy of the 2nd version of the vaccine is showing great progress in reducing the number of Selfies Per Hour (SPH) and have almost completely eradicated duckface. “We’ve partnered with a leading pharmaceutical company for widespread distribution once we achieve FDA approval. The vaccine will be marketed under the brand name Normala and advertised in Self magazine.” Dr. Perimentin expects few people will ask for it voluntarily. “Most of our patients will undoubtedly come to us via some pretty aggressive family interventions,” he said.
Negative side effects of Normala seem to be minimal, if any. Patients have reported being generally happier without the need to incessantly check their social media sites for likes, followers, or even retweets. Some patients have even reported regaining a feeling of actual compassion and caring for people other than themselves, though this is considered anecdotal until more data is received.
We spoke with a few residents in nearby Lake Nona and found reaction to be mixed. Anita Celphy said, “I don’t see what the big deal is. So I take a few dozen selfies a day and post them on Instagram and Facebook. My friends must want more because they keep liking them.” Candice B. Fureal had a differing opinion. She said, “This madness has to stop. I’ve had to unfollow and even unfriend more and more people because of the endless selfies. It can’t come soon enough. If it continues, I’ll have no friends left.”
When asked if there were similar vaccines in the pipeline, Dr. Perimentin said, “If the trials of this vaccine continue as expected, we’ll begin work on a vaccine to reduce the biggest problem plaguing the restaurant business today, taking dozens of pictures of your food before eating it. Call me a dreamer,” he continued, “but who knows, in a few years we might even be able to have a nice family dinner where people actually make eye contact and have pleasant conversation.”
Disclaimer: The Scallion is a ridiculous attempt at humor, or humorous absurdum if you prefer. Any similarity to any psychiatrist, geneticist, or biomedical researcher is completely coincidental. If you need help understanding this concept, please consult your favorite medical professional for a generous supply of the new drug, Nowigetit.
