You know those times when you wish you were completely alone? Not a “MAMA needs to hide in the bathroom because you kids are driving me crazy” alone. No, I’m talking about THOSE embarrassing moments. The moments when your face burns so hot and you feel like you might just melt down into the ground because of what just happened type moments! Lucky for me, I am a writer, and when THOSE MOMENTS happen, usually I can see the humor, not to mention a future column piece. But when your child has one of THOSE moments, it is a totally different situation.
When the inevitable happens to one of my babies (or their friends), I always try to ease the situation by sharing one of 3,278 embarrassing moments of my own to prove they are not alone. And so, it was in one of these times of need that I recently shared the story of “my almost first kiss” with my daughter and her friends.
I was 11 years old and had a huge crush on my friend’s older brother. Sean was 14, in high school, and whenever he walked in a room I swear I could hear angels singing! Okay, perhaps I am exaggerating a little about that part, but I am almost certain that a ray of golden sun followed him around. It would have been easy for this Greek-like god to be full of himself, to laugh at his little sister’s friend who always became tongue-tied when he said her name out loud. Yet, he was never anything but kind to me.
My friend eventually grew weary of me always talking about her brother and insisted that I either forget about him or confess my undying love once and for all. I would have rather stuck a fork in my eye than do that. I was an overweight, nerdy girl who giggled uncontrollably whenever he walked past me. Yes, I was destined to admire my LOVE quietly from afar. And then my grandmother passed away. I was a mess. My mother, wanting me to get out of the house and back to my old self, arranged to have me go with my friend and her family to the state fair that was in town. Against my will, I agreed to go.
A corn on the cob, giant turkey leg and funnel cake later (I told you I was overweight), I found myself in line to ride the Ferris wheel. Just as we were about to board our passenger car, my friend claimed that she wasn’t feeling well and bailed out. Sean and I were alone. For years, I had dreamed of this exact moment, and now that it was here, well, I was too sad to enjoy it. Sean tried desperately to make small talk with me; I said nothing. Then he reached for my hand and said, “I am sorry about your grandmother. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Is there something I can do to make it better?” Without really thinking about what I was saying, I blurted out, “You could kiss me!” OH MY GOD, what had I just said?! I was so embarrassed that I started to cry. But Sean lifted my head up with his hand and started to lean over to KISS ME!
NO! I didn’t want a pity kiss. But as I opened my mouth to tell him this, a fly flew in. Not knowing what to do, I closed my mouth quickly. Sean looked at me funny and asked, “Did you just swallow a fly?” As I opened my mouth to answer him, the fly flew out. I looked up at him and said, “I don’t know why I swallowed a fly!” To which he responded, “Perhaps you’ll die!” And with that, we both started to crack up.
After hearing my story, my daughter and her friends laughed just as hard as Sean and I did that day. Never one to miss an opportunity to share a good moral, I continued…“I learned a lot that day. I learned that you can’t force special moments. Things, embarrassing and good, happen when they are meant to happen, and you just have to roll with them.”
And with that, I turned to walk away, feeling rather smug, for after all, I helped my daughter and her friends feel better. That was until I smugly walked smack into my office door.
Make that 3,279 embarrassing moments I can write about!
