In this monthly column, Felicity offers advice in response to questions from readers according to the month’s subject theme. September’s theme is “Relationships: Romantic, Professional, Friendly, and Familial.”
Q: When fighting with your significant other, what is the best way to resolve conflict? – Anonymous
A: Every relationship is different. For some people, after an argument with their partner, they can fall right back into themselves without skipping a beat. Unfortunately, many couples don’t have that capability. We get mad, we storm out, we say things we don’t mean. I’ve learned that the best way to come to a resolution is to take a break – take a walk, enjoy a bubble bath, go to the gym – and then approach the issue calmly with fresh eyes. I find that once I’ve had time to think about the situation, or I’ve vented to my best friend for a hot minute, the anger seems to be mostly flushed out. I remind myself of what my partner does to show me he loves me, in his own way. Let the anger simmer down and walk away before you say anything impulsive. Reapproach the issue when you both have a clear mind. Try to break away positively, such as by saying, “I love you, but let’s take a break and talk about this later.” Remember how much you love your partner even when they do something to upset you.
Q: I always wonder when I’m walking in a crowd if I ever bumped shoulders with my ideal partner. Even if I was happily engaged with my current partner, there’s still part of me that wonders if I met my soulmate, but she spoke Chinese. Neither of us would ever know that we are meant to be just off of a minor disconnect. Do you believe there’s one person somewhere on this planet who you truly belong with over everyone else? – Clay H.
A: Every person has formed their own take on the topic of “soulmates,” and I am no different. I strongly believe one person could have a dozen or more perfect matches; that is, partners who are seamlessly compatible. If one person goes on 10 dates with 10 different people, and one of those dates introduces her to the person he/she eventually marries, do you think they would find another contender if they had gone on another 10 dates? I don’t think it’s a matter of fate – I think it’s a matter of circumstance, growth, and surprise. It is fun and romantic to think that there is a sole person for everyone, but there are so many people in the human race with so much love to give that I think it is unreasonable to think only one of them is perfect for you.
Q: When someone loses a loved one, what do you say to them after the fact? How do you talk to them after the funeral has passed? – Anonymous
A: As in any case, you must really measure the person in that particular circumstance. A month after the funeral, you don’t want to bring up the late loved one for fear of upsetting the person, but you don’t want to ignore their life. Be there for your friend in a time when they are hurting. Provide what they need, be it a casserole, a ride to work, or a shoulder to cry on. Maybe check in once a week to see how they’re doing or, better yet, send them funny pictures or jokes to cheer them up. Share happy memories of their loved one when you feel the moment is right. Use your best judgment but, all in all, make sure that your friend is happy and healing.
Q: How does the use of technology benefit and harm relationships? – Anonymous
A: A phone call from my partner can mean the world after a long day. When used correctly, technology can supplement any relationship – professional, personal, etc. – in a healthy way. However, it’s easy to get sucked into Snapchatting 24 hours a day – don’t! Having time to breathe is a good thing. Take a break, put your phone away, focus on your own life, and remember that your partner is doing the same. It won’t hurt to send a meme every once in a while or pop in to say hi to let them know you were thinking about them, but try not to make it your sole form of communication. Sometimes, it’s all we have. Technology brings about a lot of toxicity but also fosters love, friendship, and reconnection. We all know how hard it can be to get some family members on the phone. A short text from my mom (residing in Chile) brightens my whole day and lets me know she’s doing well. In every case, I find that it’s all about balance.
Next month, Felicity will be answering advice on the theme of “Happiness and Well-Being.” Have a question for her? Send it to [email protected] and you may have your question answered!
