One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in my life is summed up in this quote by Brian Houston: “Your capacity for pain will determine your potential for growth.”

Years ago, our son, Luke (seven years old), was diagnosed with an extremely rare disease called “Perthes.” It’s a disease that causes the ball of the femur to die slowly. If left untreated, the ball can completely crush under the person’s weight, causing significant problems for a lifetime. At the time of Luke’s diagnosis, I was the head coach of his Little League baseball team. One of the most challenging moments in my life was when my wife, Michelle, and I pushed our once active, vibrant little athlete out of Shriners Hospital in a wheelchair, not knowing if or when he would ever have a normal life. After qualifying for a case study and using a wheelchair for over three years, today, Luke (19 years old) is 100% healed and healthy.

It was during those three hard, long years that we learned the priceless lesson of knowing that it is possible to find strength in the struggle. It is often through our struggle that we find our most powerful story to impact others. It was during those three years in a wheelchair that Luke learned to play guitar and piano. Today, he is a singer, songwriter and producer, and he sings before thousands of people.  

In my personal life and as a family coach working with hundreds of couples and parents, I have learned that we have a choice when we face pain and struggles in life. We can either grow bitter or grow better.

As parents, one of the most important lessons we can help teach our children is how to grow stronger through our struggles. The next time you encounter a setback, or one of your children faces a disappointment at school or with friendships that causes them to doubt themselves or lose confidence, use those struggles as stepping stones to remind them about four essential lessons we can learn from the four facts of life. 

 1. Struggles are inevitable. 

It’s not a matter of if but when we’ll face struggles. We may face struggles with our health, finances, marriage, kids, jobs, or many other things. Unfortunately, struggles are not an elective class that we don’t have to take. They’re a required course. No one is exempt! 

2. Struggles are unpredictable.

Often, our struggles and setbacks come out of nowhere. We are often blindsided by problems that catch us by surprise. That’s what makes a problem a problem; we often fall into them unexpectedly. 

3. Struggles come in different shapes and sizes.

We seldom get bored with the struggles we face because there is such a wide variety of them. They can be minor inconveniences, or some are catastrophic. Some are custom-made to teach us things we would have never learned any other way.  

4. Struggles are purposeful. 

• They purify us.  

Someone once asked a silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is pure?” He responded, “When I can see my reflection in it.” How do we know when we’ve learned the difficult and painful lessons in life? When we can see our reflection of the new and stronger person we have become. 

• They give us endurance.

Author and leadership expert John C. Maxwell says, “Everything worthwhile is uphill.” In our quest for quick and easy, instant gratification and hassle-free in our culture, we want results immediately. However, growth and endurance is a process, not a destination. Growth requires time and endurance. 

• They help us grow.

The late Zig Ziglar said, “Life really is like a grindstone, in that it will either grind you down or polish you up.” It all depends on what you’re made of.

When you read the instructions on how to make a chocolate cake, you first learn what ingredients you need: eggs, milk, butter, unsweetened cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, vanilla, etc. However, if you eat raw eggs by themselves, they’re horrible. No one eats a stick of butter by itself (well, some might), no one eats baking soda by itself, etc., you get the point! But when you mix it all together, put it in the oven, and let it bake, you get a delicious chocolate cake.  

That is how growing through our struggles can make us stronger. It’s about learning how to take something bitter and making it better. The next time you and your spouse go through struggles or one of your children faces hardships in school or in friendships, remember to turn the “i” into “e.” Changing one letter can make all the difference in allowing our struggles to make us better rather than bitter.